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I'm home again! Yaay!

But I am absolutely wall-punchingly furious with my useless phone (ow my poor knuckles), I got 7 texts yesterday, only 1 of which was actually sent yesterday. Most of them were from the End of Term Disco on Friday or on Saturday. So I'm so sorry for not meeting you in Zippy's, or replying to your pre-flight good-bye text, or asking about the new shower, or telling you about the HFO dragon, or sympathising with your late bus… But I didn't know about it until now. My phone is the source of all evil. GRAAAAARH. Sooooo angry.

On the plus side, I've just started Harry Potter, days after the rest of the country has finished it.

Still pissed at my phone though.

Woo! I have money again! Form an orderly queue to get your handouts :)

I have a headache from watching too much Futurama on DVD home alone last night, when everybody in the world ever was out having an amazing night. Bah. Also listened to music at stupidly high volume, polished up my Dead or Alive 2 skillz and ate pastries, so not a bad night, it's just everybody I know was having one of the best nights ever at the Final Fling. Or in the West End, or in the Skydome.

The Weather! Here! Now! GEEEEENIUS!

Tuesday night was much fun too, and not just because it featured Mr. Voss getting drunk for the very first (he claims) and last (he claims) time ever! Really nice meal at the Oriental Star with great company, much food and wine and making of merry.

Smile.co.uk are bastards, apparently cheques via the post office take five days to go through, not three as everybody else on the planet thought. So much apologies to Will, Xander (who's birthday it is tomorrow), Mary and whoever I'll have to borrow money from tonight to go to the meal; I underestimated the crapness of my bank. Assuming I do go the meal of course, if I feel as crappy as I do now I'll just go home. And in twenty minutes is the Meeting of Death. Yet another thing which will truly suck.

I'm so glad term ends on Friday, I honestly couldn't take much more of this.

Why do I keep going to Top Banana?

My default is alone. When I am tired, weary or otherwise spent I am alone. I can be alone in a crowd or with a few dear friends or just with someone close, but always alone. But then I can be alone with the radio or a film or a breathtaking view, I don't need people to be alone. Maybe some day I will be proved wrong but at the moment I don't see how.

I'm so tired of going out and pretending to belong, especially when it's around the end of term and I'm always predictably surprised to I discover I don't have the energy to fake fun. The music is always varying degrees of shite, the bars always have huge queues and are full of expert queue-bargers, and it's way too hot, crammed to the rafters with drunken twats and impossible to find people. And if I were to find a good posse, what then? Once I've caught up with the people I haven't seen for a while (much easier achieved outside Top Banana), what to say to a bunch of people you've known for years, and are in close contact with all the time? There are only so many fatuous witticisms I can give or take, only so many times I can point out a fit guy before I get profoundly bored.

(Wow, I used to get seriously emo towards the end of term… -Ed.)

I think I'll remember last night for a long time to come. It was probably just the very concept of Me, in my uber-black get up (sunglasses, leather jacket etc), spliff in mouth, watching the stars from the high point of a swing - where it pauses up high and the chains go slack - in a forested sunken park at one in the morning… Oh yeah, there was a shooting star too. And a bunch of friends that I could hear but couldn't see. The sunglasses you see.

JCW is the man.

Excellent.

Whoa. Last exam done. Had a nightmare night, as in got hardly any sleep but aside from running equations round my head I was unable to do any work. Then I finally scraped myself out of bed at seven thirty this morning and rushed into a sunny but completely deserted Uni, arranged myself and my notes on a desk somewhere before realising I had left my wallet with my library card and all my ID on the bus, a bad thing to lose before an exam. So I sprinted back to the bus which thankfully hadn't left yet. Phew.

Now I feel very strange. Bored, almost. Though I've got plenty to sort and do, natch :)

The last few nights no matter what time I go to bed or what time I have to get up, I have woken up every night at around 3am and again at 6am, which after a while is beginning to really get to me now.

Went to Alton Towers on Tuesday, which was ridiculously good fun. Air was fantastic, Nemesis was kinda too fast, Ricksaw was a bit wet, River Rapids was a bit dull, Log Flume was good if wet, Oblivion was a bit too scary, Submission was very funny and a bit lame after the others and Duel was quite crap.

Despite going out on Saturday night (when I was far too tired) and again on Monday night (when we were too late getting into the queue to actually get in) I still haven't had a half decent night out since… I don't remember actually. Gah.

Snuggle,
Hold,
Head rest,
Tickle,
Hug,
Smile,
Laugh,
Knowing look,
Smirk,
Eyebrow,
Roll eyes,
Shrug,
Wave,
Text,
Email,
Poem,
Song lyric,
Blog.

Reality bites. So much in my life and other peoples is just so blatantly profoundly wrong just now. If this were a computer game I would have gotten bored with it and started another by now. Why on earth would I continue when I am clearly fucking up at every turn and still can't see what I am doing wrong? Was there a key I was supposed to collect four levels ago? Did I miss out on the super-secret end boss because I screwed up some concealed objective at the very start? If this were a computer game I would have thrown it down a long time ago in bored frustration and told my friends to avoid it as an unfair and illogical waste of time.

But I've seen the end of the game. And perfection is not beauty, it's the other way round; beauty is perfection, and woe to those stupid fucktards who don't understand that yet. But you will. Yet another item on the long list of stuff that you can be told and know but you cant possibly really understand until you've experienced it yourself. "You cannot be told what the matrix is; you have to see it for yourself." That list is far too long.

After yet another not-so-funny episode a few days ago I worked out what it is I really want for once in my bewildered life: I want an end, I want to close the book and have it leave me smiling. I want to know I'll keep this one, and put it on the shelf in case I want to read it again, (I don't think I ever actually have re-read any of them you understand, that's not the point ;-) ) rather than sell it to free up some space. That is all, and it's a lot, and I'm afraid it's not going to happen. (It did -Ed.)

Plan for the next few days:

Monday:
Note/past paper collecting for Electro-mechanical Power, starting revision.
Possible sunbathing and eating with friends if the opportunity arises.
Pride meetings and brief plannings and sortings for posters/Pride Guide/Website.
Definitely drinking with friends and then Top Banana in the evening.

Tuesday:
Alton Towers!

Wednesday:
I don't know yet actually, but revision will be a major feature..
Possible sunbathing and eating with friends if the opportunity arises. :-)

Thursday:
Revision for most of the day, then Priding some and the Pride BBQ in the evening sometime. Bows afterwards revision dependent.

Friday:
Yet more revision all day.
Early night.

Saturday:
9:30am @ Panorama Room: Electro-mechanical Power
Then going out somewhere. Party in Leam, DV8 in Brum and Boogie Nights in the Union are all possibilities

Much kudos to Will; I stupidly left him out of the list of coolest people to walk the planet that I posted a while ago :-)

Well that was a waste of time. Shouldn't have bothered frankly, should have just gone home and slept. Completely failed to get in the least bit drunk too, which some people would say was a good thing, but what do they know? Good to see people, natch, but I am just soooo crap at the end of term, when I should be out partying and making the most of the last few days. Spent most of the night convincing myself that I didn't actually want to cry, it was just that I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. Tomorrow I need to spend sleeping, but I soo don't want to waste yet another day. I'm not sure what it is I am meant to be doing with my days to give them some meaning, but I suspect it has something to do with reminding people that I exist. Or something.

/me grasps at straws.

It's only when I'm this tired that I realise how much effort I put into everything. Being funny or bitchy or relevant or supportive or sharp, laughing at jokes in an appropriate fashion with an appropriate laugh. I'm soo tired. Tired of explaining myself to people. I wish I was ok with people just accepting me for who they think I am, but for some reason that just isn't enough right now. Which is all so stupid; I have the closest set of friends I have ever had, by far. I was looking down on the dance floor and spotted five different sets of peeps dancing that I knew at least some of the participants, enough so that I could have easily gone and joined them, but I didn't want to.

I guess I'm just a grouchy bastard.

For my next trick I will require:
1 disposable white school shirt (cheap),
1 black tie (cheap),
1 black string top (not cheap, go figure),
1 Stanley knife/razor blade,
2 spiky bracelets,
Several safety pins,
Some black nail varnish,
Lots of eyeliner,
Black trousers, black shoes etc.

If it looks half as cool as I think it will it I will be well chuffed. If it doesn't I'll just spray myself blue, green and orange, so it's a win-win situation :-)

…Oh, and alcohol. Lots of alcohol. (Say that in a Neo voice if you feel you really must.)

1. What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have?
Fall asleep on someone I love. When I was a toddler doesn't count.

2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest?
Yeah. too honest maybe. And I don't have to be asked my opinion before I give it :)

3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? What happened?
Probably many times, but then as I get closer to anybody gradually my opinion changes from "they're really cool" to "OMG what a fuck head". In a good way. Finding out how stupid people can be always sucks though.

4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why?
It would have to be from a book. Probably the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan. See the Stone of Tear and the White Tower. And weave spells, natch. I'd re-discover how to fly.

5. What's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted?
To draw. Put all these pictures in my head down on paper :-)

Go see Chez! (And i didn't even do the chez Chez joke! Aren't I good?)

A while ago my horoscope said I wouldn't get any 'til the summer solstice. I've just realised that's in ten days. The day after my last exam.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

Plan for the next few days.
Tuesday:
Cramming Materials and ALA/Modelling.

Wednesday:
Cramming Materials.
2:00pm @ Westwood Games Hall: Materials for Mechanical Engineers
Cramming ALA/Modelling and Engines and Mechanisms. Laughing at those going to "Score!".

Thursday:
9:30am @ Butterworth Hall: Applied Linear Algebra and Modelling of Structures
Recovering. Lunch. Hour of cramming Engines and Mechanisms.
2:00pm @ Panorama Room: Engines and Mechanisms
Cramming Fluid Mechanics. Cursing at those going to "Rainbows".

Friday:
Cramming Fluid Mechanics.
2:00pm @ Butterworth Hall: Fluid Mechanics
Cramming Structural Elements. Cursing at those going to "Crash".

Saturday:
Cramming Structural Elements.
2:00pm @ Panorama Room: Engines and Mechanisms
Fall asleep on the grass somewhere.

Possible Buffy spoiler? "…something purporting to be the first-draft teaser and first act of this autumn's "Angel" season premiere…". Involving the resurrection of Spike, if anybody cares. Select the big white space to make it appear ;-)

And here's another random buffyite.

This term I have think I have begun fully realise my limitless ability to do really stupid things. But being a thought-out rational type being, it's kinda difficult to honestly regret any of them. I'm just not afraid of that much right now.
What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. Or as a good friend once said; what doesn't kill us makes us that little bit more afraid and alone. It's not like they're mutually exclusive or anything :-)

The Friday Five (on a Sunday)

1. How many times have you truly been in love?
Smitten twice, totally amazing feeling, but it seems to last about five seconds and end badly, ho-hum. But that's not Love.
In love twice maybe, but both times it wasn't returned, so that doesn't really count either…

2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most?
God only knows. I'm sure I must have written it all down somewhere though.

3. What qualities should a significant other have?
For me? Cute and honest and someone that I look up to. Someone who can make me laugh with a word or a look.

4. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
No. Might have kicked it a bit though.

5. If there was one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be?
How to find it? I only wish I could teach everybody how to do that :-)

This genius encyclopedia of everything geeky is really useful, and means you can cut down on asking your geeky friends what these weird and wonderful and probably quite dull things are.

Seldo linked me to the fabulous Vampire web comic that features entirely too many undead and naked men for my liking :->

Other places to visit are a couple of cool web logs; spriteboyworld by a mad little American, vividblurry by a guy who has truly embraced the camp side, sparkology by a really cool guy who draws genius otters, and jesteradonis; his b/f. It's really quite sweet.

My fantasy-type super hero! Make your own by clicking on the pic :-)



This is clearly what I /should/ look like, but god screwed up. Or something. Or it's that I cant be assed to go to the gym. Bah.

Ooh, get me wearing no shoes! I'm such a free spirit, me. Prickly carpet though. Damn, trumped by someone with no shoes or socks! Filthiest feet on the planet though… But then he was the prettiest man I've seen for a long while, so I'll let him off.

Speaking of which WILL ALL INSANELY ATTRACTIVE MEN PLEASE VACATE THE LIBRARY! Not that any of them read this, but still. What, do they think we've got nothing better to do gawk? Inconsiderate bastards.

What is the deal with men who stand at the urinal legs spread like they're brandishing a fire hose? And no I'm not buying that for one second.

Why do they make these questions as hard as possible in the most piss-easy ways? Yes, 7:1 is the same as 7! Yes, (a/b)^x-1 is the same as (b/a)^1-x ! Yes a compression ignition engine is the same as a diesel engine! Yes a spark ignition engine is the same as an otto cycle engine! Bloody nomenclature.

Woot! I've been here 15 minutes already. Up at 6:45 me. Now to print off a bunch of exam papers, example questions and solutions, do a couple more web quizzes, get a bottle of water (I've got the pint-of-coffee-on-an-empty-stomach blues) and get down to work.
















(Quiz site gone…. Maybe I should back up the images from the other quizes? Hmm -Ed.)

Irreligious genius webcomic.

Nice Lunch with Giles and JCW today which involved the excitement of the police being called in to get what was apparently a naked man from the roof of the union. It seems this requires the presence of three policemen on top of the existing Warwick Security to achieve. Ineffective dumbasses.

It's being a good day for work today; I'd go out to Bows and celebrate but for the knowledge that that would mean being up for twenty-two hours and not getting enough work done tomorrow.

Yet another couple of little poems. I never wrote poetry as a teenager you see, so there are a thousand clichés that are all new to me :-)

OK, after another day with little achieved I am seriously panicking again. I'm gonna do my utmost to embrace monotony, but it's so difficult. I wish soo much that I had a day between each exam.

Been lying in the sun for an hour and a half. Pleasant sensation. Though maybe doing it dressed like a Matrix reject wasn't a great idea. I want to see that film again, once is not enough!

This baby spider won't go away. I've shoo'd him off the off the desk thee times, and off the key board, my hand and my neck. I have now put it on the other side of the room. So there.

And done yet another poem. Theres nothing like having better things to do to get the creative juices flowing.

Spent twenty minutes just now writing another poem when I should be doing electrical networks…

Today is one of those days where I feel like if my feet weren't stuck to the ground I'd drift upwards into the air, or that I might spontaneously combust at any moment. In other words, I need sleep. Like, Now. Being up for twenty hours yesterday probably wasn't the best plan ever. I hope some of this modelling (Modelling systems in mechanical engineering -Ed) stuff is sticking and not dribbling out the back of my head as I fear it might be.

I now have a comments system on my blog and on the meanders page! Yaay! Comment away people.

(Meanders page long long gone. And as this had been achieved with a 3rd party plug in, so are the comments :-( -Ed)

Spectral decomposition: same as spectral resolution. Though I'm not entirely sure what that is either, in spite of sitting in front of a picture of it.

Symmetric matrix: duh; matrix is equal to its transpose.

Orthonormalising: Made of unit length. How that's different from unit vectors I haven't found out yet.

Orthogonal: At right angles. How that's different from perpendicular I don't know. Maybe too many people know what that means, so they changed it to something a little more clandestine. This is from the same people who brought you the noun unity, meaning (drum roll please) one. Why would they not just say one? Why do they insist on using j to denote Imaginary numbers when everybody else on the planet uses (take a guess) i! Gah. Phreaks and phools.

Eigenvectors: I know what they do, but I don't know what they are yet. Or why.

The thing I hate about the derivation-type maths approach to this stuff is you only find out what the hell you're trying to achieve at the end of reams of dimensionless reference-less free floating mathematics! It's all frikking backwards! Gah. I was panicking for a bit there but after scanning through that lot I'm back to my "I can do this shit" frame of mind. Whilst possibly delusional, is more constructive than my "Aaaaaarrrrgggggghhh" frame of mind.
Now: Red-Bull fuelled storming sesh to finish off the last of my other module before getting stuck into this one.

Googlism ay? What fun :-) Here's the pick of the bunch:

-edan is out to prove that nerds can be quite good at cool things
-edan is not just a funny lyricist
-edan is available to help you define and achieve your goals
-edan is sitting in the palm of the devil
-edan is a fluffy little treat with swerving sideways melodies and rolling beats
-edan is the only link between two worlds divided by far more than time and distance
-edan is trying to get his weight up to a healthy level
-edan is the closest to heaven you'll get on this mortal plane
-edan is the dopest
-edan is a sacred object imbued with spiritual power; while to us it is a work of art with a special presence all its own
-edan is constantly looking for new it talent
-edan is your father
-edan is a massive life like phallus
-edan is the head of intel's israeli design team
-edan is a natural beauty who shuns all forms of artificial ornament
-edan is not here in the dream realm
-edan is a celtic name which means "little fiery one"
-edan is the baddest out there

Some time back I wrote on the front of my Applied Linear Algebra notes "… finding the spectral decomposition of a symmetric matrix by orthonormalising the orthogonal eigenvectors…" And I have absolutely no idea what that means.

Objective one: Get in to uni for when the library opens: Failed. But I was only 5 minutes late, so there. And what the hell was with the bus driver?? It's like she had a morbid fear of going closer than two car lengths to the vehicle in front of her. I'm sorry, but when you are braking because a car that is going faster than you are pulls into your lane five car lengths ahead on the motorway I brand you an idiot.

Objective two: Bagsy a cool computer carrel on the top floor: Succeeded. The same one as yesterday too! I was surprised to find as many as four as yet un-bagsied given there are only 12 in the whole of campus. But then people are lazy. No matter how close to exams it gets, the library is still near as dammit empty 'til about 11.

Why does Wake Up Boo! (Happy song -Ed.) by the Boo Radleys make me feel like crying while Rosalita (Sad song -Ed.) by Gomez make me grin from ear to ear? That Gomez site is actually quite cool… But then I wouldn't know that because I'm working.

(N.B. You probably have to have heard the songs to understand what I mean.)

I am (still) sitting on the top floor of the library, in one of the computer carrels. There's an illicit copy of Trillian in my account. The computer has a CD player, and I have all the Gomez albums with me. I also have a radio Walkman. There is a great view across the social studies building and beyond to some forest or other. This place is just too cool. Good music, a high view, IE, IM… I could stay here all day. And probably will be at the rate I'm going through these notes ;-)

You're the smirk, a frown-smile hybrid that's a little bit cocky and usually associated with evil or arrogant, but attractive people.You probably just don't give a damn, but it's everyone else's fault if you don't because you're too awesome to have any real faults.

What Kind of Smile are You? brought to you by Quizilla

Cocaine.
You like to talk,
you like to run,
but most of all you like to have fun.

Which drug should you be hooked on? brought to you by Quizilla

Ahem. Yes, more work now.

Right, I'm in Uni before the library opens, this is good. There will be much work today. If only there wasn't a forty -five minute bus ride in between home and uni; it blunts the intent of any trip to campus almost to death en route, whether it be revising or par-teying. Now I just want to sleep.

Regarding work, my back is against the wall. I'm screwed if I don't go up a gear NOW, and up another gear on Friday. Hence the being here early.

Got 78% in an assignment I had to knock together at the last minute. Bring conceptual Fluid Mechanics.

Giles, Mikey, Seldo and Matt are among the coolest people ever to walk the earth.