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When I was in the south of Spain recently visiting my family I briefly visited my uncle, though I had some misgivings about it, since I had seen him a few months earlier when he was in perfect health… He had permanent double vision, so if he wanted to see anything at all clearly he had to cover one eye with his hand. His face was puffy and he kept forgetting what it was he was saying. He had a brain tumor you see. He explained to me (in Spanish, since he had forgotten how to speak English) how he was recuperating, but that it was a very slow process, and it would take time. Looking over his shoulder into the pain in his wife's eyes told the lie of it more eloquently than anything I've ever seen before. Looking into the face of someone who is watching the man she loves die slowly and painfully, having to live with the knowledge that no one will ever love her as much as he had, and yet doing everything in her power to take as much of his pain onto herself as she could, with kind lies and constant care.

I mentally slapped my own wrist for having to resist the temptation to say "see you at the funeral?" on the way out. I'm well funny I am.

I just found the whole thing so morbid. "Go see your uncle it'll be your last chance!" Or go marvel at the fact that your uncle's spirit remains uncrushed despite the fact he's a shadow of the bright character he was a couple of months ago, and is clearly dying? That's fucked up. My grandmother wanted me to take pictures of my brother and me with him, but that struck me as being in incredibly bad taste. On the other hand, if he's compos mentis enough to appreciate the visit, which he was, then it's the very, very, least insignificant thing one can do.

My grandfather was holding it together in typical manly fashion, pillar of strength and all that. My grandmother was not so much with the holding it together. My other uncle was never far from his side for long. I never really saw my cousins…

A couple of weeks after we left Spain my uncle became weak and unable to stand by himself. His headaches got worse and he was taken back to hospital, where after a few very desperate days he was put under sedation. It took two days for the sedation to calm him down but finally he went from a completely irrational state to being sort of at peace.

He died at three this afternoon.

God rest his soul and keep his family.

My family.

?Hola Pablo!…

My Project Presentation was today, screw-ups aside it went ok. Now I never have to even look at another droplet pattern again! MUAHAHAH! IT DOESN'T WORK, 'K?! I'd play some Deus Ex to unwind a little but I've already completed it :-(

In the previous pictures the shape in the sack was Laurie, and the girl on the floor was indeed Mary, but I don't think an injuries were sustained :-)

Week 1: Final Project Report deadline (done)

Week 2: Project presentation (provided I can borrow a laptop off someone…)

Week 4: Spanish Oral

Week 5: Design techniques and Management

Week 5: Heat transfer theory

Week 5: Internal Combustion Engines

Week 6: Fluid Dynamics

Week 8: Spanish

I need to learn let the stress galvanise me without freaking me out…

Guess who?

Ever feel guilty for something you didn't do? Something you were going to do, but never told anybody about and never went through with? Kinda difficult to for someone to forgive really. Maybe it is the thought that counts…

Heh, well I've been been waxing philosophical all weekend.

Three and a bit weeks til the main chunk of my exams. AAAAAAARRGH! Before that actually happens I have a presentation and a spanish oral. AAAAAARRGH! Spent a nice weekend in London but should have really been planning this practice presentation for tomorrow. On the upside I think I want to end up in London after the dust has settled, it's nice to have an idea, however vague.

There are many reasons not to blog. Someone might be too busy, or consider their latest exploits to be uninteresting, or might have run out of pictures. As for me, there only seem to be two valid reasons for not blogging.

The first being I'm too busy doing interesting stuff. For instance last time I stopped I was jumping from Leamington to Edinburgh to Malaga to Algeciras in the space of a couple of weeks. There were a stupid amount of things going through my head. I was realising how much more I valued my family than I had suspected. Noticing how much my confidence in my Spanish had improved. Staying in an abandoned flat that the owners had moved out of years ago (but that still had a hand-towel by the sink and toilet paper by the toilet). Dealing with and watching the effect of a dying family member on the rest of the collective. Analysing my conflicting emotions concerning whether to see said family member. Watching the generation gap at it's most abyss-like at my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. Their wedding photos look like some other world.

When I have too much to blog I generally don't blog at all.

The second reason is I'm using all my computer time on a game. The time I might have blogged in Edinburgh I was completing Divine Divinity and playing a spot Medieval: Total War. This time I'm two thirds of the way through Deus Ex. I know, I should have completed it years ago, but I only just got it :-)

I just saw a futurism/cyberpunk book based on the now (supposedly?) defunct magazine Mondo 2000. I can't tell you how much I love that stuff! I was so heart-sinkingly gutted when I realised it was printed way back in '93. If anyone knows of a successor to it please let me know! I think I'll buy it anyway.

My shoulder aches like nothing on earth from mouse-driving RSI and carrying a broken motor worth 300 GBP to and fro around campus, and my hands are covered with friction burns and green food dye. I wish there was a funny reason for that, but there isn't. So here's something from last term's shenanigans that I never got around to putting up. Jamie and Milly:

macro 'Preperation';

Begin;

SetPicName('average');

multiplybyconstant(0.05);{1/number of samples}

end.

macro 'Seek';

var

average, input, output, sub1, sub2, running, a, b, x, y, z, m, n, correlation : integer;

begin;

SetPicName('input');

input := pidNumber;

selectWindow('average(Red)');

average := pidNumber;

{get rid of old input/outputs?}

a := 0;

b := 0;

m := 255;

n := 255;

{Arbitry starting values, high or low}

x := 180;{total range of rotation/2}

y := 1;{increment of rotation}

z := -x;

repeat;

{rotation in one direction}

selectPic(input);

MakeRoi(0,0,256,256);

scaleandrotate(1,1,x);

SetPicName('running');

running := pidNumber;

ImageMath('sub', running, average, 1, 0, 'sub1');

sub1 := pidNumber;

ImageMath('sub', average, running, 1, 0, 'sub2');

sub2 := pidNumber;

ImageMath('add', sub1, sub2, 1, 0, running);

selectPic(running);

measure;

if rMean[rCount] < m then begin

m := rMean[rCount];

a := x;

end;

Dispose;

SelectPic(sub1);

Dispose;

SelectPic(sub2);

Dispose;

{rotation in the other direction}

selectPic(input);

MakeRoi(0,0,256,256);

scaleandrotate(1,1,z);

SetPicName('running');

running := pidNumber;

ImageMath('sub', running, average, 1, 0, 'sub1');

sub1 := pidNumber;

ImageMath('sub', average, running, 1, 0, 'sub2');

sub2 := pidNumber;

ImageMath('add', sub1, sub2, 1, 0, running);

selectPic(running);

measure;

if rMean[rCount] < n then begin

n := rMean[rCount];

b := x;

end;

Dispose;

SelectPic(sub1);

Dispose;

SelectPic(sub2);

Dispose;

x := x - y;

until x < 0;

if n < m then begin

a := b;

end;

selectPic(input);

MakeRoi(0,0,256,256);

scaleandrotate(1,1,a);

SetPicName('output');

output := pidNumber;

begin;

selectPic(output);

multiplybyconstant(0.05);{1/number of samples}

ImageMath('add', output, average, 1, 0, average);

end;

SelectPic(input);

Dispose;

SelectPic(output);

Dispose;

end.

macro 'Preperation FFT';

Begin;

SetPicName('average');

multiplybyconstant(0.05);{1/number of samples}

end.

macro 'Seek FFT';

var

average, control, input, output, fft1, fft2, running, a, b, x, y, z, m, n, correlation : integer;

begin;

SetPicName('input');

input := pidNumber;

selectWindow('average(Red)');

average := pidNumber;

{get rid of old input/outputs?}

a := 0;

b := 0;

m := 255;

n := 255;

{Arbitry starting values, high or low}

x := 180;{total range of rotation/2}

y := 1;{increment of rotation}

z := -x;

repeat;

{rotation in one direction}

selectPic(input);

MakeRoi(0,0,256,256);

scaleandrotate(1,1,x);

SetPicName('running');

running := pidNumber;

begin;

fft('foreward');

fft1 := pidNumber;

selectWindow('average(Red)');

fft('foreward');

control := pidNumber;

ImageMath('cmul', fft1, control, 1, 0, 'FFT2');

fft2 := pidNumber;

SelectPic(fft1);

Dispose;

SelectPic(fft2);

fft('Inverse');

fft('Swap Quadrants');

SetPicName('correlation');

correlation := pidNumber;

end;

selectPic(correlation);

measure;

if rMean[rCount] < m then begin

m := rMean[rCount];

a := x;

end;

Dispose;

selectPic(running);

Dispose;

selectPic(control);

Dispose;

{rotation in the other direction}

selectPic(input);

MakeRoi(0,0,256,256);

scaleandrotate(1,1,z);

SetPicName('running');

running := pidNumber;

begin;

fft('foreward');

fft1 := pidNumber;

selectWindow('average(Red)');

fft('foreward');

control := pidNumber;

ImageMath('cmul', fft1, control, 1, 0, 'FFT2');

fft2 := pidNumber;

SelectPic(fft1);

Dispose;

SelectPic(fft2);

fft('Inverse');

fft('Swap Quadrants');

SetPicName('correlation');

correlation := pidNumber;

end;

selectPic(correlation);

measure;

if rMean[rCount] < n then begin

n := rMean[rCount];

b := x;

end;

Dispose;

selectPic(running);

Dispose;

selectPic(control);

Dispose;

x := x - y;

until x < 0;

if n < m then begin

a := b;

end;

selectPic(input);

MakeRoi(0,0,256,256);

scaleandrotate(1,1,a);

SetPicName('output');

output := pidNumber;

begin;

selectPic(output);

multiplybyconstant(0.05);{1/number of samples}

ImageMath('add', output, average, 1, 0, average);

end;

SelectPic(input);

Dispose;

SelectPic(output);

Dispose;

end.

macro 'Average Preperation';

Begin;

SetPicName('average');

multiplybyconstant(0.05);{1/number of samples}

end.

macro 'Average';

var

average, input : integer;

begin;

SetPicName('input');

input := pidNumber;

multiplybyconstant(0.05);{1/number of samples}

selectWindow('average(Red)');

average := pidNumber;

ImageMath('add', input, average, 1, 0, average);

SelectPic(input);

Dispose;

end;

end.

Well I like this picture, even if Dave thinks it's crap :-p

The result of weeks of work and millions of calculations:



The second image is supposedly more accurate…. I have to come up with many strokey-beardy things to say about this pile of wank. And it's due in in a week.

This is all highly improbable for various reasons, so don't bother with "that would never happen"s or "it's never that simple"s, I'm dealing with hypothetical illustrative generalities. Imagine there are two guys you meet. You have the mutual attraction thing going on with both, neither of them are slags out for "just sex", neither of them are Jack the Ripper et cetera. Guy A is a genius in bed but you have little in common. Guy B is inept in bed but you have a lot in common.

By the shag-first-ask-questions-later method you would be a lot more likely to dismiss Guy B and end up with Guy A, enjoying lots of good sex while you try and get him interested things that interest you. Maybe he's very intelligent and open minded and this works, if so, YOU WIN! Congrats.

By the sex-on-the-third-date-method you are a lot more likely to dismiss Guy A first and end up with Guy B, enjoying lots of good what-ever-else-it-is-you-like-to-do while you try to teach him how to give good head (or whatever). Maybe you turn out to be a very good teacher, if so, YOU WIN! Congrats.

I would think one is more likely to "win" with Guy B, but that's just my opinion. In the more likely event that you don't win with either guy, for whatever reason, there is always a chance of salvaging some sort of friendship from it, which brings me to my main point: Which friend would you rather have?

(Hey dave! Another idea for a poll!)

In the continuing saga…

Here is where you can find chapter one from me, two from Mikey, three from Laurie, four from me, five from Lauirie… And this is six.

(Blatantly stolen ;-)

1. Amazingly Bad Analogy:

Example: You can train a dog to fetch a stick, therefore you can train a potato to dance

2. Faulty Cause and Effect:

Example: On the basis of my observations, wearing huge pants makes you fat.

3. I Am the World:

Example: I don't listen to country music. Therefore, country music isn't popular.

4. Ignoring Everything Science Knows About the Brain:

Example: People choose to be obese/gay/alcoholic because they prefer the lifestyle.

5. The Few Are The Same As The Whole:

Example: Some Elbonians are animal rights activists. Some Elbonians wear fur coats. Therefore, Elbonians are hypocrites.

If you've been sufficiently relaxed by that image and you wish to continue with the blogersation started here and continued with Mikey and then Seldo, read on.

In other news, there are now 258 Random Thoughts on this site.

I'm pretty sure I used to love the novelty and the freedom that the "scene" gave, but nowadays that's pretty much outweighed by how much I'm disgusted by its seediness; I don't like the associated social imperatives at all. If I were straight I certainly wouldn't frequent meat-markets, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I should be expected to. With good friends (and a spot of alcohol) I can enjoy it greatly, but then when I have those I can enjoy pretty much anything. Freezing my ass off at the top of Arthur's Seat for hours on end comes immediately to mind, but I'm sure there are other examples.

It's odd that I regard casual sex in almost exactly the same regard some people I know regard recreational drugs. When I was first introduced to the concept of random pulls I considered those who went looking for something so intrinsically fake, people who needed to be validated by randomers they didn't give a shit about, as blatant "losers". I've just had to deal with the fact that that's how some people, even some good friends, get their kicks. Indeed you could even swap them around: recreational sex and casual drugs? More or less anyway :-) Both fake. Both dangerous. Both bonding things, though one involves friends who can tell you what happened the next day if you forget and the other involves some lucky randomer who you probably wont see again beyond an uncomfortable nod of acknowledgment in a club. I've had a friend describe one time when he slept with three different guys in a week as a symptom of self-destruction, so I guess that idea would be another parallel.

Looking at it from another direction; I don't have an addictive personality, so I find it difficult to empathise with people who get chemically addicted to anything, from caffeine to cocaine. On the other hand I get infatuated fairly easily. I don't think there's really much point in trying to untangle cause and effect.

And the fact that people might, nay, DO, judge me for this abstention pisses me off too. One's personal worth is apparently defined by who you are or are not pulling. What the hell is that? What are you, high school kids? You wish! Grow up!

The masculinity issues annoy me as well, the idea that in order to join the club of gay we have to trade in our masculinity for camp, trade in the urge to hit something for a permanent sneer, a stupid white shirt with a bad cut for a tiny white t-shirt with a bad cut, making lewd faces at passing hotties too? actually, that bit doesn't seem to change.

Gay Man is not a fucking oxymoron! If some straight person (girls can be homophobic too) suggested I wasn't a real man unless I drank beer, screwed birds, had a beer belly and shouted at football, that would be inexcusable. But for any given "poof" to suggest I'm not really a man because I'm gay, or that I'm not really gay unless I'm wiping glitter and shit off my dick, that's ok? WHY?

Teachers should give mandatory classes on the concept of projection ones fears and desires onto others, because way too many people do it 24-7 and have. No. Idea.

One day I'd like to find a place where I can be who I want to be and nobody will think any less of me for it. I've found several places that claimed to be this Shangri La, and it was fun to play along for a while, but in the end they all lied. Though I hope to find this place, in truth I suspect it doesn't exist. I guess that's human nature for you?

Silly linkoid.

Here's a good brief little article about the genius that was Bill Hicks, and below are a couple of quotes from him: They are fairly wordy but take a second and read them :-)

"Because you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards they sound better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for the children." Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking ROCKED! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking HEART!"

"No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids… Laughed my ass off, and went about my day."

"The world is like a ride at an amusement park. It goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride…" And we… kill those people. Ha ha "Shut him up." "We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real." Just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. Jesus murdered; Martin Luther King mudered; Malcolm X murdered; Gandhi murdered; John Lennon murdered; Reagan…. wounded. But it doesn't matter because: It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love.

The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defences each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace."

Tonight on Radio 1 from 12 to 2 GMT is probably the best radio program I have ever heard, and I've been listening to the radio pretty much non-stop for more than a decade now…

Anyways it's a One World special called "Kurt n Bill" Featuring two hours of Kurt Cobain's music and Bill Hicks' comedy, with no interfering DJs at all! Both Kurt and Bill died around this time ten years ago, and both of them produce unrivaled dark and inspirational genius.

Listen in, even if you can?t listen to all of it, grab fifteen minutes, I promise you wont regret it.

From The Jargon Dictionary:

"geek out vi. To temporarily enter techno-nerd mode while in a non-hackish context, for example at parties held near computer equipment. Especially used when you need to do or say something highly technical and don't have time to explain: "Pardon me while I geek out for a moment." See computer geek; see also propeller head. "

Why must geeks codify all their private jokes in such a manner?

Yesterday my washing machine blew the mains fuse for the house, my graphics drivers flipped out and cause windows protection faults and I snagged a thread from my uber-expensive jumper on a protruding nail and knackered one of the arms.

Today they are all fixed.

Via, erm, most bloggers I know:

Yaay! Sounds perfect :-) Spot on! And only 3.3%? I'm well rare, me!

Yeah, I'd pretty much go along with that…

I like the difference there between sensitivity and helpfulness. "Yes I know what you want, I'm just pretending I don't so I won't have to do anything about it." ;-)

Just back from a weekend in London for Mary's birthday where due to the absence of the likes of Mikey or Laurie I took it upon myself to be extroverted and "The mouthy one", which was a lot of fun. When we got back from the pub we all watched Igby Goes Down, mostly because I wanted to, when we woke up we watched Starship Troopers, mostly because I wanted to, later we decided to go for a pub lunch over MacDonalds, mostly because I wanted to. I was the last to go to sleep and chatting until I did, and the first up, chatting when I woke.

Here is a bar I saw in Spain a little while ago. It may seem fairly ill equipped, but I suspect that's because it's in a supermarket?!

I've been out in Notting Hill so here's a totally unrelated couple of pics from my grandparents fiftieth wedding anniversary. First an honest/staged shot of them being overly emotional and then an arty shot of what was left of the cake (before I finished it off. It was tiramisu, can you blame me?).

The comedy food pic proved to be more blurry than funny, so instead here's one of my grandmother's thoroughly obnoxious small yappy-type dog: Gala. Or at least I think it's a dog. Maybe it's a really big rat? Sooo annoying; it's loud, aggressive and excessively territorial; if anyone but my grandmother even touches her basket she goes mental. One of those little dogs you really want to kick across the room, you know?

This from Stu:

My Inner Hero - Wizard!

"There are many types of magic, but all require a sharp mind and a cool head. There is no puzzle I can't solve, no problem I can't think my way out of. When you feel confused or uncertain, you can always rely on me to untangle the knots and put everything back in order for you."

Bah, had to register to get the results! I was only one answer away from a rogue too, not sure what that says about me… Anyways that entire site is deeply, *deeply* alarming. Maybe they're LARPers* or something? Each to their own and all that, tsk.

One more slightly amusing Spanish product tomorrow and then it's back to quasi arty stuff :-)

And it's not funny at all, it's way too true to be funny ;-)

*LARP = Live Action Role Play, escapism at it's fucked-up best